Ban The Bread, Man

Passover starts this Saturday at sundown.

For Jews across the world, Passover is both a Celebration of Freedom and a Giant Pain In The Ass.

Yes, it's nice to get together with family/friends for seder (except for the Hillel sandwich part).  Yes, everyone likes a nice, fluffy matzoh ball soup.  (And no, nobody likes any sort of pitiful cake or other improvised baked good made out of matzoh meal instead of flour -- can't we just eat fresh fruit for dessert and call it a day instead of trying to choke down a "treat" that tastes like a dustbin?)

So, yes -- despite whining children and bitter horseradish and accompanying family drama, seder is a fabulous tradition, expecially for kids who get to eat Lollycones afterwards.  And most parents probably don't turn their noses up at the prospect of FOUR CUPS OF WINE.

But for the rest of the week-long holiday?  No bread?  No wheat?  No barley (translate: beer)?  No bagels, no muffins, no tortillas, no rice, no corn products, no beans?

It's kind of a forced Atkins diet, only without the bacon.  (May I have that hamburger without the bun?  And the cheese?  And is the ketchup made without corn syrup?  Please, don't even talk to me about mustard during Pesach!)

For a full week, one is left to eat, like, AIR.  And matzoh.

Most reasonable Jews understand that this kind of sucks.

My son Donovan thinks this holiday is a perfect Utopia.

He is a child who eschews chametz on a daily basis, refusing the time-tested peanut butter and jelly sandwich, turning up his nose at the kid-favorite macaroni and cheese, looking at you like you have a second head if you suggest he eat a bagel with peanut butter.

If, on any given Tuesday, you locked him in a room with several deadly snakes and a loaf of Wonder bread and told him that his only escape was to consume the bread, he would be found dead in about 10 minutes, never having taken one tiny bite.  Each day, year-round, he goes to school with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on matzoh instead of bread.  (And it's not like I try to force the child to eat sprouted grain bread -- he refuses even the whitest of white breads.)

Matzoh.  That's where it's at.

I look at my anti-bread son and can veritably SEE him thinking, "For one short week, the Jewish world sees things from my perspective.  Someday, they'll learn that it's a LIFESTYLE, not just a HOLIDAY."

As for me, I'm just looking forward to my guaranteed 5-pound bread-free weight loss.  It's like spring cleaning for the fat.

Comments

[CLK]

I can't get over Donovan! Happy Passover, where your stomach feels like cement for an entire week.

[ali]

we? are twins. all three of my kids are like this. i can't get them to eat a sandwich. ever. what kind of kid doesn't eat sandwiches? no pb&j. no grilled cheese. nothing.

they love? matzo. love it.

[Wendy]

Hi,
I was clickin around Jen's blog and found your link. Funny stuff.

[JenBun]

Happy Passover!

That Donovan is one funny little dude! =)

[Bexala]

www.matzahsong.com

Thought you might enjoy this.

I'm a long time lurker.

[Wide Lawns]

Happy Passover! I was like your son when I was little too. I hated sandwich bread, which is all we had, because it was so mushy and disgusting. I still can't eat it, though as an adult I have discovered crusty baguettes and eat sandwiches on those.

[honestyrain]

see, right there, if i were jewish this would get me bathing suit ready in a week. it's only going to happen by force of religious requirement because unlike your son, i dig me some bread etcetera.

[Vanessa]

Way to put a positive spin on the whole thing, with the guaranteed weight loss!

Have a good Passover with the family!