The Random Muse

Things That Suck

1)  The nearly-universal requirement for attorneys to participate in Continuing Legal Education.  (Yeah, yeah, yeah -- I suppose it's good to expect people to stay on top of the law, but don't most people do that by virtue of performing their jobs instead of by being forced to listen to boring people lecture about the blah blah blah of the licensed territory and the yadda yadda yadda of the subsidiary rights and the gobbledygook of the indemnification clause)?

2)  The fact that some people seem to be procrastinators by nature and leave all 24 hours' worth of their Continuing Legal Education requirements until the week before their biennial Bar Registration is due, forcing said people into cramming two years' worth of boring information into their brains in a few short days, much like a binge eater might do with a gallon of Ben and Jerry's or a giant bag of teryaki flavored beef jerky.

3)  The fact that even a comparatively interesting-sounding class like "Wine Law 101" (which instructs the student to "sit back, grab your own glass of wine, and enjoy!") will reduce the listener to tears of boredom (and, quite likely, the need to turn to alcohol) after a mere 10 minutes of droning nonsense.

4)  The fact that I AM THAT PERSON described in Paragraph 2.

5)  The fact that I SAT THROUGH THAT CLASS described in Paragraph 3.

6)  The fact that it's not socially acceptable to "sit back, grab your own glass of wine, and enjoy!" when one is forced to listen to "Wine Law 101" on streaming Internet at 10:00 in the morning.  Especially when one needs to drive to the Post Office to have one's Attorney Registration Form postmarked by later that afternoon and expects that a police officer wouldn't take kindly to the "But Continuing Legal Education Really Sucks!" defense to a DUI charge.

7)  (FOR EXTRA CREDIT):  Facts 1 - 6 taken into account in conjunction with the fact that EVEN WHEN ONE IS NO LONGER A PRACTICING ATTORNEY, one must still complete said CLE requirements (at least when licensed in the great state of New York).

Ban The Bread, Man

Passover starts this Saturday at sundown.

For Jews across the world, Passover is both a Celebration of Freedom and a Giant Pain In The Ass.

Yes, it's nice to get together with family/friends for seder (except for the Hillel sandwich part).  Yes, everyone likes a nice, fluffy matzoh ball soup.  (And no, nobody likes any sort of pitiful cake or other improvised baked good made out of matzoh meal instead of flour -- can't we just eat fresh fruit for dessert and call it a day instead of trying to choke down a "treat" that tastes like a dustbin?)

So, yes -- despite whining children and bitter horseradish and accompanying family drama, seder is a fabulous tradition, expecially for kids who get to eat Lollycones afterwards.  And most parents probably don't turn their noses up at the prospect of FOUR CUPS OF WINE.

But for the rest of the week-long holiday?  No bread?  No wheat?  No barley (translate: beer)?  No bagels, no muffins, no tortillas, no rice, no corn products, no beans?

It's kind of a forced Atkins diet, only without the bacon.  (May I have that hamburger without the bun?  And the cheese?  And is the ketchup made without corn syrup?  Please, don't even talk to me about mustard during Pesach!)

For a full week, one is left to eat, like, AIR.  And matzoh.

Most reasonable Jews understand that this kind of sucks.

My son Donovan thinks this holiday is a perfect Utopia.

He is a child who eschews chametz on a daily basis, refusing the time-tested peanut butter and jelly sandwich, turning up his nose at the kid-favorite macaroni and cheese, looking at you like you have a second head if you suggest he eat a bagel with peanut butter.

If, on any given Tuesday, you locked him in a room with several deadly snakes and a loaf of Wonder bread and told him that his only escape was to consume the bread, he would be found dead in about 10 minutes, never having taken one tiny bite.  Each day, year-round, he goes to school with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on matzoh instead of bread.  (And it's not like I try to force the child to eat sprouted grain bread -- he refuses even the whitest of white breads.)

Matzoh.  That's where it's at.

I look at my anti-bread son and can veritably SEE him thinking, "For one short week, the Jewish world sees things from my perspective.  Someday, they'll learn that it's a LIFESTYLE, not just a HOLIDAY."

As for me, I'm just looking forward to my guaranteed 5-pound bread-free weight loss.  It's like spring cleaning for the fat.

S.I.C.K.

TOP TEN THINGS ABOUT BEING FLAT-ON-YOUR-BACK SICK WITH PNEUMONIA:

10)  You develop a cough louder than your average truck horn, and are able to stop traffic with a single chest heave.

9)  No appetite = effortless weight loss!

8)  Unable to get up off couch = excuse to catch up on the entire third season of Lost, which has been stagnating on your Tivo since January.

7)  (Unfortunately, none of the many drugs prescribed help make any sense of what's going on on Lost.)

6)  Steroids prescribed for horrible chest congestion might lead to increase in muscle mass?

5)  103 degree fevers relieve a mother from having to bathe young children.

4)  103 degree fevers also = good reason to eat popsicles.

3)  Horrible sickness = good excuse to want to cut other mothers with a knife if they dare look at me sideways while I'm creating a 10-foot perimiter of unshowered, unclean, barely erect stench while walking my child into preschool.

2)  Although rather disconcerting, the crackling, snapping sound coming from deep in my chest while I lie down does evoke pleasant childhood memories of Rice Krispies.

1)  Unable to celebrate your birthday?  That means it was no birthday at all!  In all fairness, chronological age remains at 36, not advancing to 37.